My Virginity Is Being Questioned

love angga

2006-09-14T12:32:00.001-07:00

Dia, aku filem...

waktu pertama, 7.10 petang
kelihatannya dia terlalu muda buat aku

wakut kedua, genap 8 malam
kali pertama aku bersuara

waktu ketiga, 9.30 malam
kali pertama dia bersuara

waktu keempat, 10 minit kemudian
dia meninggalkan aku

waktu kelima, 5 minit kemudian
dia berada disebelah aku

waktu keenam, 10 minit kemudian
kali pertama kita berbual

waktu ketujuh, tepat 10 malam
aku mendapat tahu... ...

"dia pulang hari satu"

hari ini hari khamis
aku cuma ada 4 hari

aku tidak ada banyak waktu...

--------------------------------------

terima kasih - angga d. sasongko

dedikasi kepada semua yang jatuh cinta

love angga

2006-09-14T12:32:00.000-07:00

Stand behind the Yellow Line

2006-06-11T00:51:00.000-07:00

Stand behind the Yellow Line

The birth of globalization has brought our sunny island to a higher level of respect from every aspect. From which ever angle being viewed, the economical structure of the land we call home flourished, pulling the standard of living aloft. When an individual starts questioning the fast pace of life, it is only grief seen in some of the faces of deprived.

Are we a nation, or a child care centre? We start questioning the magical spurs of the government doings. Have we been dog tagged for all these while? Were we branded with the barcode? Or were we just standing behind the yellow line?

“Toot..Toot..Toot, doors closing.” Would it mean closing the doors to our own sayings? From which ever perspective we argue, it still concludes that the door is closing. So why do we bother? Or are we just blinded by the thickness of the yellow line? The right of questioning has never been demolished but day by day, this value diminishes just like how we slowly erase our traditional values. We were given space. We were granted with limited time, due to the fast pace of life. So had we fully utilized the opportunity given to question boundaries?

The process of moving our daily lives never differ too. It starts to be an epidemic chasing for the 5C(s). The materialistic world has brought mankind to a level which takes lives away from fellow humans, untroubled of the misery inflicted. Example; Afghanistan, does life have a certain value there? We see kids dying of pain. When a Singaporean is trying to draw the greenery scene of its radius, children there are scrambling for papers and color pencils. Expressing them, we could see the color of red, the tears of sorrow and the pale color of white. The world cries foul when a soldier dies. However, how about those innocent who died in the hands of the soldiers? Their agony goes unnoticed. Unbothered would be a more fitting word. Their cries and tears are muffled in the darkness of their ill-written, uncompromising destiny. If life holds the same value for everyone, why the discrimination between the conqueror and the conquered?

When local filmmakers try to portray reality, we start questioning their invention. We brand them [inventions] influential and even go on to dismiss their rather assertively. For goodness sake, haven’t they view the reality? The original aspects of reality are always overruled or overlooked by our reasoning of integrity. Is this Hollywood where characters are behind the sets designed by the art director? Most of us blindly follow the unwritten rules that we have heard and taught. As much we enjoy the virtues of life, never once do we even attempt to question the iniquities of life. Not only do we stand behind the yellow line, we spend our entire life admiring the yellow line.

We listen to others. We scramble up the footsteps of our leaders. We treated the pathway without even looking back. After all these, we still have the audacity to blame others for our wrongdoings. Are we graded individually or by the unity of the population? Complication will arise if we believe that problems are insoluble. So would the problem be solved if we deal it with our own judgment? That is up to an individual to answer.

So when the mass rapid transit dazzle through tracks, do we stand behind the yellow line?

Happy mother's day umi

2006-05-15T10:19:00.000-07:00

I grew up in a culture where it was less expressive and we were not trained to give gifts. (thanks to my dad) it became like a culture of it's own

So i made something that i couldn't give to my mom for mother's day. Just a drawing on my sketch book with her name. and titled "Kalau Suatu Hari Umi Tiada" (If one day Mom, You'll leave me)

Kalau suatu hari umi tiada
Aku akan menangis pada hari itu… tangisan yang tidak kelihatan, dan tiada airmata. Aku akan menyesal, menyalahkan diri aku, kerana tidak pernah aku memberitahu umi yang aku sebenarnya sayang padanya... aku takut...

(translation)

If one day Mom, You'll leave me
I will cry on that day... The cry that shall not be seen, and without the tears. I would regret, blaming myself, for not telling you, that i love you so much... i am scared...

a period of self understanding

2006-05-15T07:42:00.000-07:00

Everyone goes through this period of self-understanding, and for me, i think its now. Whatever project i am doing would be reflect on myself. It's a process i am taking to understand myself better.

As a start, i made myself write something... It took awhile for me to touch my heart without filtering. Raw elements. but its in malay...

Catatanku:
... ...aku tak pernah mahu hidup keseorangan... ...

Zahirnya, aku sama seperti yang lain, cukup sifat, hidup sederhana, bebas berlari dan tanpa batasan. tapi dalam hatiku, lain... berbeza.

Kadang kala aku tanya kenapa aku kesunyian. Setiap hari aku pulang, terus tuju ke ruang tidurku. Di mana interaksi bersama insan di bumbung yang sama.

Ketuaku sentiasa sibuk. Ku lihatnya seperti mementingkan kawan dari keluarga sendiri. Kadang kala aku rasa seperti hendak turun sahaja dari kereta semasa beliau mula bising sebab sesak di tambak. Mulalah beliau ungkit yang beliau ada temujanji bersama kawan.

umi pula sentiasa penat. Aku tak salahkan umi. 24jam mengemas rumah dan paginya kerja mencari rezeki untuk menampung keluarga. Tapi aku rindu umi walaupun umi berada depan mataku. Bagi aku, macam umi jauh sekali. Aku sering menangis bila terbayang jikalau umi tiada lagi.

aku pula hidup tanpa kawan yang betul rapat. jadi tak dapatlah aku meluahkan masalah aku. kadang kala, teringin aku nak ada kawan yang tahu apa makanan kegemaran ku, atau seseorang yang mengucap selamat hari jadi pada saat tertentu...tapi sayang, belum ada kawanku yang betul memahamiku. aku tak salahkan sesiapa. dan aku cuma mengharapkan setiap hari ada seorang insan yang akan datang menghampiri aku dan bertanya tentang masalah aku...

aku juga tidak tahu kenapa aku hidup. aku tidak ada matlamat hidup. mungkin sebab tidak ada sesiapa yang merangsang aku. bayangkan hidup 23 tahun dan tak pernah aku memberitahu sesiapa pun tentang masalah aku... tertekan...

aku juga seorang yang penakut. aku takut pada bayang bayang aku sendiri. aku takut berjalan seorang kerana aku selalu bersedih. selalu aku menangis bila lihat sekeluarga keluar bersama, pergi bersama pulang bersama.

Kalau ditanya kenapa aku nangis, tak akan aku bilang perkara yang sebenar. Pernah juga aku terasa nak terjun dari tingkat teratas. cuma aku takut sahaja. Bila ternampak pisau, nak sahaja aku kelar tangan ku ini....tapi aku takut... Lagipun aku tidak mahu umi malu ada anak sulung bunuh diri sendiri.

Kalau ikutkan hati, nak saja aku lari dari rumah. Bukan setakat lari, tapi putuskan hubungan dengan keluarga. pergi jauh dari tempat ini. aku tak mahu tengok keluarga aku lagi... tapi aku tahu aku akan merindukan umi... ...

... ...tapi satu hari akan aku buat juga... ...

more love

2006-04-24T08:30:00.000-07:00

ARGH... This one damn bloody person is making me sick. Not Love-sick, but Like-sick. Let me just name this person B, identity need to be disclose.

I got to know B in school. Just got to know B when school re-open. B left a good impression on me. I do not know if it was the vibe or connection, but it was strong.

So is B a step to love? No... It is just a liking, but a damn torturing one. Seriously, I've yet to recover from my past relationship. It was nearly 4 years after we decided to go on our seperate ways, but its just to difficult to forget. Well i guess some people can just do it, and some people like me, can never do it right.

So can B be a replacement? Now I am laughing. This is just a liking, its just a connection i felt out of B. But i can never say.

But all i can say, I am motivated to come to school daily just to see B. ;)

i do know know what i am writing ... fuck off

when u start to have a crush on someone

2006-04-13T07:16:00.000-07:00

Yeah.. Singapore International Film Festival would be showing my short film title DINNER at their fringe program. Even though it's just selected as a preview for non-finalist, but well at least its a honour for a first entry to be selected. Damn happy man.

Well, start knowing someone again. Hahaha... But kinda like this person... Hahaha... I hate those moments when you have a tiny mini crush towards someone... It makes me not able to work with this someone. Ah damn it.

So what is love? Can we define love? Clishe subject issn't it? but when you start to fall in love with someone, you will simply ignore the fact that it is clishe. ;) But what if the person is near to you, or just got to know, or simply strangers. This are all different catogaries of love. And i love to fall in love with strangers. Falling in love with passer by on the street, on the bus and etc. You can simply adore him/her for that minute, go crazy for him/her for the day then simply finish it there (unless u keep meeting this person on the same spot). In other catogaries, its a bit difficult, as you start to build a bridge of feelings and some hints (that you yourself can never control).

Back to the story... I kinda hate this moments when i have to like this somebody... and i just got to know this person...

LOL, till then...hope you guys would be blessed by love....

Awesome Pahang

2006-04-09T13:55:00.000-07:00

My mom's brother (basically my uncle, but i refuse to call uncle because we aren't close) was hospitalized and got his leg cut off at PAHANG (North East Peninsular Malaysia). So my mom had to visit him at PAHANG...

I had a very very busy 2 weeks. 1st week was spend with the filmmaking course at objectifs. It was such a refresher course for me, but i was happy with it. Got a chance to talk to Joan Foo and know him better. He even fixed the production lights for us. Thanks Joan.

2nd week was with Sherman Ong. I knew sherman when i went for the soul to soul. He's awesome to me. And the school manage to get him to conduct a course in school and i attended. It was a tiring week, but fun. I get to talk with sherman, share ideas and eat together.

Then on saturday, i attended the free fringe programme for SIFF (Singapore International Film Festival). It runs from last friday and last for 2 weeks. I enjoyed the documentaries shown in the indonesian shorts. I could not attend the sunday's programme as i had to go to Pahang.

Back to my mom's story. Since she had to go to Pahang, i told her that i would go with her, but won't stay in the hospital for long. I want to roam Kuantan (capital of Pahang). I always do that just like how i can walk from titiwangsa to petaling street in KL. We left JB at 9.30 and the bus journey was nearly 7 hours. We reached Kuantan around 4.20pm. I went to visit my mom's brother and went off to roam kuantan. There was a carnival and alot of artist came, so i went there. I had fun, walking alone, seeing how the people in Pahang lead their live. Oh my god, they still have the family harmony. You can see alot of couples bringing their childrens for a picnic...I jsut felt like crying while watching how happy they were. On my bus trip, I was amazed by the RAW scenary (if only i had a camera with me). Pahang has a stretch of River, and alot of people live along the river making it look like a beach from far. Damn beautiful. You have lots of cows on the road, when the bus ride along the houses, we can see some families enjoying evening tea session at their porch. Family values that i think is lacking in singapore. its just amazing. I wish to go back to pahang and just enjoy my time more there as i had to rush on the same day for the 10.30pm bus back to singapore.

I ENJOYED MY 1-day-get-away-from-Singapore-break-away-from-stress-trip-to PAHANG...

blurr light that is seen

2006-03-25T09:38:00.000-08:00

Have you ever been through a period when you see the light of hope, but its just blurr. Its just a point of time where you are scared that the light can just fade off when you are chasing for the light. Or there is never a light, just your blurry vision or what we called a false alarm.

Well i am facing it now. A new light, a new direction that my family recieves excites me. For the first time i felt attached to my family. I felt a deeper conversation with my mom. I only have conversation with my mom, but it is usually just the surface of the problem, but now i felt the conversation going deeper, appreciating life, the hard pain that the family goes through.

One of the pain, i felt the most irritating pain was my relatives judgement over my family. Let's say that the main league of competition includes me. I was born with 2 other cousins. And everybody seems to enjoy seeing this competition. 2 girls with 1 guy, and i am the guy. The first girl, the top girl is now doing her masters in finance. That is what i've heard, still unsure if its true of not. But everybody give a big "huha" about this girl. The second one is now earning her own salary at the age of 23 in which she afford to travel overseas yearly to france, spain and etc. And lastly the guy. A 23 year old boy who is still doing his Diploma in a local polytechnic and best of all, he is still in his first year and keep asking money from his parents. And that boy is me. How do you think my whole relative look at me. I thank my mom for believing in me.

My other cousins have cars, even those younger even have a decent car (bear in mind he is just 20). My schoolmates always ask me, "when you taking your license". :) i just smile everytime being asked. But nobody know how i suffer. Sincerely i am only given 50 dollars per week and i dare not ask more. That 50 dollars includes 10 dollar of weekly train ride, 10 on weekly bus fare, and occasionally 10 dollar on movies that i try to catch to make sure i stay relevent in the media world coz i am studying film. :) Not forgetting the 10 dollar i need to top up my mobile phone. And i'm left with 10 dollars weekly on daily food in which i stay in school most of the time and also some snacks here and thereful. A friend of mine asked, why so little? My classmates always buy ice cream that cost $5 for just a small scope, that i never ever tasted. A classmate of mine keep talking about buying NGAGE, PSP and more. Some just love to go shoping. But what can i do. But I FEEL Grateful, coz i know there are others who lead a more difficult life than me.

Back to the point, my family seems to lose up abit with some light that we just saw. But it's still blurr, and i am scared to be overjoyed, coz i just do not want to over promise myself and yet get nothing.

People's Gain seems a lost for me

2006-03-19T10:46:00.000-08:00

What other's seems to gain is starting to become a demoralizing factor that simply hit me. Of course I would be happy with my friends achievement, but at some point, at some moment, i just feel i am at no where, and am nobody. I always tell my friend Jun, "You guys are demoralizing me everytime." He will then go, "No no.. You had done more works than me, you know alot of people i do not know and bla bla bla." But what's the use? Am I somewhere.

I am very very happy and honoured to have a friend whom i see as a big brother. Kan Lume who directed The Art of Flirting is now showing his feature at the Singapore Internatioanal Film Festival 2006. First the film got a place in Malaysian Video Awards, The the Asian film Festival, now Singapore International Film Festival, and upcoming would be the official entry for Singapore in the director's critique for the CANNES Film Festival. Oh my god. What else can i say. He always says that there is a certain fire that someone needs to capture and brings it to Singapore.

Everything is going very fast. It seems to I am just sitting, enjoying the scenary along the busy roads of Bugis Junction. I felt weak, a high gravitational force pulling me down and no resistance towards it. So am i nothing? A nobody who evens has no rights making any comments? Is it the right of making comments that is needed? I thought that everybody is born with that right. I think i've figured it out. It's the moments when you just speak out your comments, and people just ignore you. Have anybody ever listened to me and try to understand what i am trying to say?

Up till now...NONE.................. :(

Lust or Love

2006-03-18T13:09:00.000-08:00

I do not know what to write specifically, there is too many things to write and too little time to type it out.

Lust or Love. I do not know if i am attached, i do not know if i am still a virgin... That all brings me to an issue whether i live for love or the entire lust. Of course i am talking about sex, but should sex be the only issue with lust or love.

Can Lust & Love have any similarities with Want & Need. The Want to have Lust and the Need to have Love. Well, seems like it but can it be proven? Like a scietific equation, its always proven. It's never know as a scientific equation unless proven. So can a real life experience (mine) be a prove?

So when i want and have the urge of having sex, is that lust since its a want? And when i am with my partner that i need by my side, is that love? Isn't that kind of pathetic, or its a reality phase of life?

Well, either lust or love, i think i have none. Or do i have it actually, just that i am blinded with the fact of life? So as much as i am puzzle over my virginity, i am troubled with the point of whether i have both emotions lust and love. Or better still, to the root of the problem, do i know what i want and what i need?

I feel like a little boy, confused over his own thinking and not knowing what to do next after writing this entry. Should i start thinking over this issue, or just leave it like that as it is...

... and i decide to leave it just like that.

Something about Nonoi

2006-03-07T09:43:00.000-08:00

There is something about a 2 year old girl that made me want to do a short film. Is it about the grief? Or is it about the sympathy? All I do not know. What i know is that, my right ear hears whispers of the urge to do it, but my left fear is full of words that build in fear.

Nonoi seems like a sister to me, I felt the warmness of her smile when i saw her photo in the papers. Its like those feelings that everybody loves her. But why do everybody love's her when she's dead? Is it because of her death that people start loving another person? "Till death seperate us apart", is it physically or emotionally too? Have any passerby asked how Nonoi was, or was she brought up in a proper way, or does she had some tortured elements.

I wanted to talk about the playgroud she always play. And the Nonoi that the playgroud felt. I never want to blame the mother or the paternal grandparents or even the step father. Of course what's done is done and we have laws to go with it, but let us just leave it to the higher authority. I would just wish to focus on the eyes of the little girl, calling for a place to talk to (the playground). 2 characters that seems to be so attached that at one point some of us just blindly ignore the presence. But when these 2 characters are detached, the humans around them start to feel the missing presence.

Well, at the same time, i felt bad to do the short film at this time. Of course i have supports, encouragement, but everything seems to just be "eh, i think its a good idea, proceed man!" There wasn't any help and we know that making this short film would take some time and some manpower.

When I see Nonoi's story, i think of my little sister. Eventhough i am never that close to her, but i would never want to lose her. That's a reality.

Can you (after reading this article), say some prayers (sedekah fateha - for muslim) or give a minute of silence to the sorrow of Nonoi. It's not compulsory, but think how if it happens to your family. :(

2006-03-04T09:06:00.000-08:00

It starts with my 9 a.m visit to Operation FUN (Finally Up North) at my school. By 11 a.m, i was queing up for my passport collection at the ICA building. At 12 was my dinner at Beach road. By 2pm, i was at the Fujitsu service centre at Takashimaya. I made my way to Sungai road (window shopping) which then brings me to Banquet at Raffles Hotel. Walked all the way to suntec city with stopovers at all seven eleven to buy my top up card. All these were done with Reno and Hida. Only then, at 7pm, waiting for all the STA and mix gang(s). We head to Esplanade to see E.P.I.C perform.

Wow, i was blown away by them. From Adam's vocal to Abigail's voice, Muthu's trumpet and Emma's knocking drums. It was a great experience. Really salute Varian and Bob Tan. It was my first time talking to Bob Tan when i went up to him and shake his hand to say "I enjoyed it". Nevertheless, without the audience, the supporters, the finatiqs... The show would not be as happening as it was. An applause for all those involved.

After seeing the perfomance on stage, i suddenly think about where i was. And when i reached home, i read the horoscope; it told me that i would think of what and where i am. Well, my coursemates (Adam, Abigail, Muthu and Emma), all of them had the chance to perform in the heart of Esplanade under invitation from E.P.I.C. There are already somewhere, the experience the got surely remains in their mind. But where was I. I am still the same me who yet to make improvement. I have not been in the center stage of the country's proud asset. Well, it makes me connect with my innersoul and think deeper, where am i? who am i? where would i go? when will it happen? who will be there? and how it happen? Well, my future in which i myself do not know. Wish me all the wishes on earth.

Kissing is Loving, so must you Love to Kiss?

2006-02-27T20:25:00.000-08:00

When you kiss, you show your love, but do you need to kiss just to show your love? You can kiss for more than just love. Love is usually related to Sex, BGR or whatever is normal, but there is more than this

Sex itself has catogaries, Sex with physical touch, sex with emotional touch, sex with conversation. There is more than just the penis entering the vagina or the ass.

So as explained on the picture, i gave my cute most sporting classmate (Melvyn) a kiss perfectly on valentines day. It was a tough chase just to get his cheeks but well, it worth it. Eventhough having to kiss a rough skin, but it was worth it, more to the sense of grabbing him and spending more than 5 min struggling to pin him down.

So have you kiss other than your girlfriend? Have you kissed your dad, have you kissed your mom or even your big brother. Issn't that show love? But why aren't most of us doing that. Well because we are being uncomfortable with the comfort zone that we ourself create for ourself. Ironic issn't it?

Its time for you to think for a minute and kiss the next person beside you and make sure you kiss the all your family members today, tonight and for the rest of your life.

Well, FUCK YOU

when royston meets me

2006-02-25T21:57:00.000-08:00

I was invited by my lovely Yuni Hadi (someone who i look highly) to an event called REACH. I was pretty under dressed as the invitation said that it was an event where some filmmakers form Japan come down to singaproe to share out their works. To my suprise, oh my god, some of those whom are invited are big shots. Names like Sun Koh, Victric Thng, Kenny, Joan Foo and not forgetting ROYSTON TAN!!!!

It was a small cozy party with tiger beer, asahi and more... but i stick with coke. I put up a brave attempt and went up to Royston to ask him "when is your next movie coming up, We are so much waiting since we heard it had travelled for alot of festival." Royston was COOL, he told me to wait for its release next month. He even adviced me to drink coffee first before watching because it's a slow movie. But well, its ROYSTON TAN man... That man also shared with me his experience when travelling to some countries promoting his previous film "15". He is great. Then i went with my coke and chips with some cheesecake. But suddenly Royston came back to me with a question, "Are you a filmmaker too?". Of course i said yes. Then he asked another question, "Did you direct the short film about comedy in graveyard". I said YES. That was DEMEM Jantan. Now the golden comment and the golden question. I just wished i had recorded it and made it as an inspirational motivation time over time. "That short film was so hillarious that i've not laughed for ages. I love that movie. Is it possible for me to have a copy of it, if you could pass it to Yuni direct to Royston". For that moment, i was in cloud nine. Loving him, Loving his words and loving myself for what he just said. Of course i said YES...!!! Till now, i'm still smilling. Eventhough the words may not be exact like what i've blogged, but Royston, thanks..... I LOVE YOU and YOUR WORKS....

after a while...

2006-02-25T21:45:00.000-08:00

It had been sometime since i've made my last entry but thanks to all of you guys that took a plunge into reading my nonsense. Sorry bout all the language, broken english and e.t.c. I have an E8 for english, so what do you expect!!!

It was during Heikal's class (Culture and Aesthetic) that my blog became famous. Haha, with the issue of blog, my friend's team (khairunisa) showcased my blog. That is when my classmates paid a visit to my blog, thanks guys. Yes, i do have a blog. Suprising isn't it?

Well, what else can i say, i loves movies and i love making movies. Singapore Short Film Festival ended with some dissapointing results. Not saying that the winners do not deserve it, but there are more deserving winners i guess. Was really praying hard for victric to grab the award, but my god, the results werer different!!! hahaha But well, victric, i love you and i love your works...

Away from the results of the Singapore Short Film Festival, i showered myself with 2 movies. Spend about 30 bucks on this 2 movies (including food, drink, tickets). Brokeback mountains left me crying inside. It was like "OH MY GOD", when can i make this kind of movies. David Cheng (my facillitator) tasked me to do a character development analysis on that movie. I was abit blurr when i was told to do that, coz i don't even know what he meant by character development analysis. I concluded with the term "depedent" and "independent" characters (living or non-living). But i was partially right. It was more, it was identifying characters that were considered primary and secondary. Like for example the secondary character would be the mountain itself and the 2 shirts. (you would only get it when you had a chance to watch it). Another movie that i treated myself to was Syriana. It was a recommendation by my good friend, MR SHERWIN. It was a pretty confusing movies with alot of characters. I only concluded one thing, "those who never supported America were terrorist, but America themselves act as terrorist." Any sense to it?

Singapore Short Film Festival 02

2006-02-14T08:00:00.002-08:00

It started off with Alexis A. Tioseco as the guest speaker. A young cute film critic from the Philippines. I had a great time listening to his points, defining the possible meanings of "short film". To some, it can be a process or should i say a practise before the feature film is made. To some, it seems like a piece of art. Well, it was nicely sentence and i enjoyed it eventhough KENT was complaining that he went to fast.

The screening of short films started of from singapore's very own Victric Thng. For all of you who may not know Victric, he was the one whom directed "Moonly" and "Locust". Still no idea, Figure it out yourself. I was looking forward to see closer apart because it is the movie that was made for panasonic digital film fiesta (PRO Catogary). and sadly, it was one of the winning video that kicked my video far far far far far far far far far away. I was from the same catogary as Victric, but seeing his final product, i was stunned. His visual was good. The kissing, but yet not kissing seen. The closer but apart. :) Congrats Victric... Still remember what Yasmin Ahmad said to victric when i was there, "so when are you making your feature"? . Come on victric, you are ready. Let us see your feature film...

G-23 by Anthony Chen was the long waited short film for me. His name was everywhere, Life, Newpaper even Berita harian. His final year project G-23 was called an award winning piece, of course... it had already won few awards, such as what i knew was the Malaysian Video Awards. The poster itself was a pulling factor asking me to catch it. Infact all those at substaion waited for it badly that when it finishes, everybody left the theater. What the fuck!!! But salute to Anthony Chen. His craft skill was good, infact very good. But only one thing, the lady in the picture, she seems so much like in Chunkieng Express by Wong Kar Wai. If you do read this, tag me my dearie Anthony Chen.

Well, for those who miss tuesday's screening, i think its a waste coz you can really see some "stuffs" through it. And I love SubStaTIon

Valentine + Singapore Short Film Festival

2006-02-13T17:58:00.000-08:00

The Ferrero Rocher of the day. And nicely given by my lovely classmate "JANE"... Well, Thank You

Well today is Valentine's day, and well...as usual, not really a supporter of it, but for the sake of friendship, we just put up an act and say "happy valentine's day"... Such a hypocrite, but i guess that is how the world evolves and that is how we need to behave...

The Singapore Short Film Festival. I had fun appreciating shorts film from overseas. Yesterday (monday) was the shorts from International Short Film Festival Oberhausen. It starts of with Nasi (a short film directed by Nis Mooji, Netherlands). The short film about an adopted chinese daughter being marketed as a cook in the stall. The story line was cute and interesting. (2) was Strange little girls by Savina from UK. It was interesting but i kind of hate the too much of tracking shots. (3) was from Hungary which was the chalk movie, nothing much to say but i appreciate it eventhough it was boring cause it takes someone skillful and patience to do that. It was then followed by something I called "a draggy film" titled BORDER. The content was good but well, it was too draggy. Everybody was then enlighten by The offshore Reserves by few directors from . The next film in which many found to be a RESTFEST material (yes it is) just shocked us. The moving images, the graphics and more. Those who ain't impressed by this movie, i think should personally do not come. If you do not appreciate the story, at least appreciate the effort it took from the directors :). Jamila finish the whole day off with a well content staged documentary. But shouldn't documentary be raw? Thats the question to ponder.

Overall, can't wait to see G23 (Antony Chen) and Closer Apart (Victric Thng)... Can't wait...

picking up eventhough its not shining

2006-02-12T21:11:00.000-08:00

how do you feel when the first thing you come to school on monday and you get to see your result. 'D+'. What the fuck!!! well basically i have to be blame for this, but oh my god. I do not know how to explain. Its just something i find that even if i repeat, its the same. I could not do it. The point is, I could not do it, coz i have least interest in it.

Well this week i made the effort. I did the problem with the "support" of the team members. Yes, we did it... Haha, this sound so cheesy like in those warner brothers movie about how they fight in a football team and won in the end after a very tough fight. What the fuck!

So what is here conclude. When you try = you can do it. Is that an equation? well it is proven. But how when there is some resistance of (not liking it). Argh, self determination.!!! what the fuck...

By the way, today is the mark of Singapore Short Film Festival... May it be an interesting week for me!!! ending with love, ME!

just picking up slowly

2006-02-10T06:40:00.000-08:00

what the fuck, i spend 2 hours, coming home early rushing from school .... and this is what i get. NOTHING more than just some 2 hour bullshiting show.

The concept was good, but the treatment was far to over. The artist were numb, the audience were overly "exposed without any intelligence". What singapore need now is new CONTENT Developer. Maybe this is what my lecturer "ABANG DAVID a.k.a DAUD" trying to say. "WE WANT TO CREATE CONTENT DEVELOPERS", but how can we run away from clishes? Well...

Life slowly showed some positive signs. It was least that i expect but good. I can still feel the "downturn" but well, it takes time. So picking up some sunshine, enjoy myself and fuck the rest.

Called my uncle who teaches at Ngee Ann Poly and he encourages me to join them. It makes me more confused. more than 1/3 or my class wish to transfer after they just got their O'level result. I was there confused. I went home and in the train, everybody was talking about this poly, that poly but never talked about my poly... Well, lets see... anything can happen... DAE exercise ends this friday and lets just say i have my PORTFOLIO all set...... I might even consider back to TP :)

lesser sunlight

2006-02-09T18:49:00.000-08:00

Everyday it seems to be slower and slower... and also sadder. Well, where is the phrase tomorrow is beter than yesterday.

I'm still sad and i do not know why. I left home not in one piece. I reached school not in one piece and I am still not concentrating. What the fuck. Came late to school today, reach class around 9.30 when it started at 8.30 (1 hour late).

There should be a point where I need to pick up my self esteem....but when? and how?

When i never get the sunlight

2006-02-09T07:34:00.000-08:00

It's always those days when you never felt together, those days when you never felt in one piece. and i had to go through those days today.

It started out with me waking up early. It was a happy moment since i've never been able to be early this semester. Even Dennise (my classmate) was shocked when i was there very early. It was only when i saw my Fucking maths grade, i felt like crying. But, well what is done cannot be reversed. But those feelings picked up some happy notes when Heikal starts his lesson. Eventhough he talks alot, and i can say its kinda boring, but i find his teaching approach interesting, but well....

But it all starts to be different. When the moment it starts to change. When my heart told myself that i should cry. It was different and i could never tell it to anybody. It was just those moments when it was the tears that can never wet your face. I felt that i was lonely. Eventhough i was laughing, i was lonely. I was lonely... the moment i felt detached from myself. I couldn't even piece myself together but what i can, is to act.

I'm left with few hours to make my decision. I never felt comfortable and it makes me to a point, sick of myself. To this current point, all i can say... I'm moving. I am moving my direction to another place. I've repolished my portfolio, i've collected all the necessary information and i'm re-applying. But i never restrict myself, things can change. Human's emotions could never be controlled, so are mine. Well, for now let it be that i would be changing my needs for a school. I give myself the mark of 2pm tomorrow to say the final decision to myself in which by then i think i should be strong.

for a fact that it hurt, for me that felt hopeless.... i only left it to fate

Voice Out Man....

2006-02-08T23:44:00.000-08:00

Voicing Out, this is the reality show that we created during one of the lessong "Culture and Aesthetic" ... Hahaha, just want to say that this is one of my good angle catched.

The reality show pictures about the ability to voice out controversial issues, 12 contestants and 1 aim, to voice out.. LOLz, but i am more happy is the production side. Even though the sounds/audio is kind of bad, but i think that the angles are good especially the lesbian scene, as show in the picture... Hahahahha..... Eventhough the technique is clishe, but well i'm proud of it, so fuck off if you don't like it...

Happy Together

2006-02-07T22:37:00.000-08:00

I just love Tony Leung. This Wong Kar Wai movie just aspire me to do more gay movies... But one thing, i need to be more subtle, i need to be more vague on the issue of "gay".

Just like Happy Together, it seems that Wong Kar Wai speaks about the trust, comfort between two people that shows love. I can't wait to see Brokeback Mountains. Another gay movie that shows the significant of relationship, that first started from a friendship that grows deeper into a secret.

So if Tony Lueng acted for Wong Kar Wai Happy Together, i need someone with the same traits to act in mine... Anybody interested?

my favourite subject

2006-02-07T17:23:00.000-08:00

Its such a fucking "pleasure" to be able to do this after 6 years of not touching maths text book and suddenly i am to study what is trapezium rule. I mean what the fuck, i don't even do well in the basic structure... Well some may say, its either you want or you don't want. Well i throw back, i am force to study this, its either i like it or not.

Its just something i do not understand, I have to take this fucking module in which i have not yet see the relevancy of it to the course i am undertaking. Spend 6 bloody years from Olevel to ITE then NS then join here in this poly to study "MATHS"... argh, what the fuck...

fuck, i am so pissed off...

2006-02-06T22:58:00.000-08:00

whether i want to join other poly, or remain here is my own decision... As much as i want to leave (to learn more), that is how i felt that i should stay...

i am just pissed off when people just spread things out. C'mon man, if i don't ask you, then don't make comments... Who the hell are you to just pass comments to anyone or everyone... Leave me alone...

So, just...just....just....leave it that way. Don't make things worst. I make decision that i think is good for my future, and i do not need you to stirr more commotions to the environment that may affect my decision.

just confuse

2006-02-06T02:39:00.000-08:00

well i am still confuse to what i should choose.... Its either I stay in my current poly, or move to a "slightly" better school and course NP (Film Sound Video). And I am left with less than 3 days to make my decision. What the fuck. World is full of the word fuck, till i guess its overrated. FUCK fuck FUCK...

just something new

2006-02-06T02:34:00.000-08:00

well, what the fuck... only now do i get to change my blog skin thankx to Jannah and gang. Expect a lot more of what i wish to say... fuck you...